


hey now, you're an all-star

by itsmyusualphannie (itsmyusualweeb)



Series: pff bingo 2019 [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Forever Home, Forever family, Hamsters (not hat fic), M/M, Off-screen birth, Pets, not abo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 05:10:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21173966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsmyusualweeb/pseuds/itsmyusualphannie
Summary: phil gives birth to his and dan's beautiful daughter.3rd place for Best Crack in the 2019 phanfic awards





	hey now, you're an all-star

**Author's Note:**

> written for the pffbingo's prompt 'pregnancy'  
enjoy :)

“It’s time.”

Dan glanced up from his phone at the smiling doctor standing before him. “It’s...time?”

The doctor nodded, smiling wider. Her makeup cracked under the strain and began falling to the floor in little poofs of skin dust.

Dan stood up, stepping around the mess. He followed the doctor out of the waiting room and down the hall, typing rapidly on his phone as he went. He uploaded a picture of his favourite art piece from the museum that he and Phil had visited last week, adding the caption ‘very impressed by the thicc ass cheeks of this statue. the only thing that would make it better is if they’d start clapping’

Now that all of Dan’s fans thought he was fifty miles from where he actually was, he cheerfully put his phone in his pocket. This hospital’s halls were a maze. Dan picked up a piece of cheese from a passing nurse’s tray and munched on it. He grabbed another for Phil and ate that one too.

The doctor stopped and Dan ran into her. She fell over then stood back up and gestured toward a door all the rest of the way down the hall. “He’s ready for you,” she said with an even bigger smile.

Dan walked away before parts of her face started falling off to join the makeup. It took him another five minutes before he reached the end of the hallway, and then he drop-kicked the door open. Picking himself up off the floor, he sprinted inside and skidded to a stop next to the hospital bed on the other side of the room.

“Phil,” he said, tearing up.

Phil woke up and beamed at him. He looked paler than the white bedsheets next to him. “Dan,” he said, tearing down.

A nurse came through the door, pushing a baby carriage in front of him. He patted Dan’s shoulder and Dan screamed, flailed, and then realized who it was.

“Nurse,” he said calmly.

“Sorry,” the nurse said, not looking or sounding sorry.

“Is that - ?” Phil started.

“It’s the baby,” said the nurse. He shoved the carriage at Phil’s bed and then stalked out of the room.

“I’m reporting you for inconvenience,” Dan called after him and turned back to Phil.

Phil pulled the baby carriage toward him and smiled at it. “So beautiful,” he whispered, and then took off the blanket that was covering the opening and clutched it to his chest. “I’m keeping this blanket. It’s gorgeous.”

“It’s green,” said Dan.

“You’re green,” said Phil. “You have green paint on your nose.”

Dan wiped the green paint off his nose and put it on the wall to inconvenience the rude nurse. He looked down into the baby carriage and smiled. “Phil,” he said, “are you ready to meet your baby?”

Phil sobbed into the blanket. “No. Yes. Give.”

Dan took her out of the carriage and tossed her at Phil. “She’s so cute. We should name her Tabitha.”

“Aww.” Phil caught her and stroked her head. “Look at her big brown eyes. Just like yours, Dan.”

Dan pet Phil’s head since he couldn’t hold his hand. “Her hair is ginger like yours, though.”

“What a pretty baby girl,” Phil crooned at her.

The rude nurse walked back into the room and wiped the green paint off the wall. “Do you want a picture,” he said.

“Yes,” said Dan, “but - ” He reached for his phone, but it was gone.

“I have it,” said the nurse, pulling Dan’s phone out of his pocket. He took a picture as Dan and Phil posed with their precious gift, then he shoved the phone down the back of Dan’s shirt and stomped out of the room again.

Dan took the phone out of his shirt and looked at the picture with happy tears in his eyes. Phil carefully put the baby on the floor and took the phone to beam at it. “We look great,” he said.

“Thanks,” said Dan.

“I meant me and the baby. I’m going to crop you out.” Phil edited the picture and sent it to himself.

Dan picked the baby off the floor and put her back in the carriage. He sighed as he stared down at her. “Well,” he said. “You’re not what we expected.”

“But we still love you,” Phil added.

Dan nodded. “You’re the best baby we could ever want.”

The hamster blinked up at them and sneezed.

**Author's Note:**

> [reblog if you dare](https://itsmyusualphannie.tumblr.com/post/188588216980/hey-now-youre-an-all-star)
> 
>   
comment with your favourite part <333 :D


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